these pants of mine... are always silent.

Waking to nightmares

2012-02-16T00:15:00.001-08:00

Immortalized in beauty and tragedy.

Headline: Man kills ex-girlfriend, then himself in Alameda

Late last night I saw a facebook post that said, "Rest in peace, Sara..." It was just after midnight, and was posted by a guy who used to date one of my friends. I scrolled down to my last text from Sara, which was from the day before at 4:53pm. I thought, "It can't be, it doesn't make any sense..." but, I was afraid to text her to find out. I went to Sara's facebook page to see if anyone else had posted something like this and found post after post of rest in peace wishes... With shaky hands I went back to Daniel's page to ask what happened. He replied with, "She was murdered last night...".

It wasn't real. I just saw her last Wednesday, she just texted me. We have plans to meet up on Sunday! I googled and found this: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/02/15/BA3L1N7DU7.DTL About an hour and a half after her last text to me, Sara's most recent ex-boyfriend showed up at her home and shot her.

Last night I kept waking up with nightmares. I would find myself imaging the stories she would tell about how it all felt... when she saw the gun, what it was like to be shot... to die. In the news, it's a vague, nameless story of another relationship gone bad with a tragic ending... but, this is not another news story, this was a great friend - someone who was smart and ambitious, thoughtful, beautiful... someone I could giggle with all night and tell secrets too. Sara didn't live in the ghetto or have a drug problem - her ex was an immature hot head, but didn't sound like a violent person.

How did this happen.... ?

I'm sort of numb and okay, and then I can't hold back the tears. I read the article again and again and again... I can hear her voice. I can hear her telling me...every detail, and I can't seem to process any of it -- but it all hurts.

:'(

Goodbye, my friend...

Jury duty

2012-02-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

...the view from the hallway outside the courtroom.

Let's start with the case: The defendant was being tried on four accounts: domestic violence, child abuse, threatening to kill, and damage to a cell phone (it's a crime to damage a cell phone if someone is trying to use it to call for help). We found the defendant guilty on all accounts but the cell phone charge -- we believed he was unaware the victim was trying to call for help.

The proceedings were painful... not only because of the uncomfortable nature of the content, but I hated the lawyers, the judge seemed strangely passive and uninterested, and the courtroom felt like a soul-sucking, out-dated, box of hell.... okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic.

The prosecuting lawyer was this big, dorky, young guy with a weird comb over - even though he had thick, bushy hair, and didn't seem to have anything to comb "over". Maybe no one ever taught him where to part his hair. He was commanding and bit likable, but had a tendency to hold a slight smile when addressing the jury...which was completely disconcerting given what he was presenting.

The defending lawyer was this cute, tiny, young Asian girl who would talk in circles, ask conflicting questions and then expect a simple answer, and who would reiterate her points ad nauseum. I found her to be completely intolerable. She asked each jury member to promise to treat her client, with whom she had the privilege to represent, the same way we'd treat a loved one or family member who was innocent. Puke.

Deliberations weren't that bad. We were mostly in agreement, but were all very willing to go through the process of really exhausting both sides of the case before coming to a final ruling. All of my fellow jurors were thoughtful and level headed...except one. The one wasn't terrible, just annoying in the fact that he would get stuck on details that either didn't matter or we couldn't change.

This is how I described it on facebook: jury duty was like having to watch a 3 day-long disturbing play being performed by bad actors -- and then having to dissect each scene, with a random assortment of strangers, until everyone agreed on what the playwright was thinking when he drunkenly wrote it. thank god that's over...i also have to say that, though it was painful, it was a fascinating process to have to go through. i understand the importance of serving...even if it means they keep you in captivity while dampening your hope in humanity. :P

Hero for the day!

2012-02-05T02:11:00.003-08:00

Sooo, tonight Anna and I headed into the city to see "a live radio show performance" starring my friend Joan as the folly artist. It was a fun and creative performance by a very talented group of people.

After the show, we'd decided to head back to the East Bay to catch a band playing in a bar in downtown Oakland. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then went to find my car.

...I had no idea where I had parked my car...

All of the streets around the theatre looked pretty similar, so Anna and I wandered around for about 20 minutes looking for my car with no luck. We were getting to the point of it's-going-to-be-a-long-night, when this guy on a crazy lit up bike rounded the corner... I looked at Anna and said, "Maybe that guy could give us a ride to help us find my car...". At that moment, That Guy pulled up and said, "Hey, would you girls like a ride?"

YES.

The bike, as you can sort of see, was a double decker tandom (with the top level about 6 feet off the ground), made of fiber glass and steel, and doubling as a giant boom box. Paul was our fearless driver/savior.

Anna grabbed the seat on the bottom of the bike, where she would help pedal. I was lifted to a space behind the driver's seat on the top, where I would hold on for dear life until the ride was over.

Paul drove us around and then asked where he could drop us off. We told him we had lost my car, so he circled the blocks around the theatre until we found it. HERO FOR THE DAY!!

Ah...the things that make me love San Francisco... :)

Speaking of, last night I got to catch a bit of Sketchfest in North Beach with Noah. A night of Italian food, comedy, and great company.

shhhhhhh....

2012-02-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

*This photo was taken this summer in Paris from a balcony at the Centre Pompidou.

I had an amazing weekend.

Josh graduated from animation school. I had a great meeting with Joan about shows for the warehouse. I went to Thang's birthday party where I played Fruit Ninja until my arms were sore, and then giggled through an intense game of Taboo. Josh and I had a great meeting about him doing an animated card for my mom's birthday, and then he and I and his friend went to the archery range and shot arrows. I ended the weekend with Randee's latest modern dance piece.

I'm going to bring back Eight in March. I'm pretty excited about doing a show again, even though the work I'll have to put into it feels a bit daunting...but, I think it's just what I need right now.

I seem to think that I'm through with love... for the moment. ...this could easily change by morning.

And now...

2012-01-27T02:54:00.001-08:00

I need to remember to order decaf Americanos.

I'm sitting here, with no contacts in or glasses on, looking at my computer screen thinking I'm more tired than I am because of my blurred vision. Strange how not being able to see clearly has that effect. On me, anyway...

I'm wearing pink silky pajama bottoms with embroidered flowers on them, a blue VS Pink sleep tank (silk screened with the little dog and the number 80 because VS knows that reference to sports and dogs while you're sleeping is totally sexy), black slipper socks that are big and fuzzy with the anti-slip traction on the bottom, a brown shrug, and the bear hat Sky made for me. I am warm. ...and, I'm guessing I look kind of crazy.

I can't sleep!

My head is full of possibilities and unanswered questions. My calf muscles are SO SORE after soccer practice yesterday, and the game today, that I'm seriously wondering how I will walk tomorrow. The balloon in my apartment that says, "Congratulations!" seems to confuse my cats. The coffee from this afternoon is lingering in my veins.

it's almost 3am and I am now drinking wine...

Poker party, Edwardian Ball, and Birthday

2012-01-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

My friends at the warehouse have decided to create a series of Wild West Poker Parties complete with western character dealers, special guest performers, and a bar fight/duel that I helped choreograph and direct! :) SO FUN! The first party had low attendance, due to lack of advertising and the rain, but we have high hopes for the next one!! I'm weirdly excited about this project because the characters are great, the space looks amazing, and it's soo much fun to work on the fight!!

...and then, the Edwardian Ball... :) Gabriella invited me and her friend Shelly over for dinner before the ball. Shelly had planned to bring dinner, but had some complications last minute, so Gabriella whipped up a delightful pasta dish that had me almost busting out of my corset -- soooo good!! After dinner, Morgan (Gabriella's husband), drove us to the ball in his awesome old car (I have no idea what it's called, but it was *singit* awesome!), dropped us off at the door because it was raining, and then found us later for the muzak! After the show, we roamed around the ballroom, shopped at the booths downstairs, and then headed back out into the rain. Fun night! I tend to go a little steam punk to the ball because I'm not really a good ... Edwardian. ? ... but steam punk's cool, and (as a side note) I've discovered that I love having really big hair.

And, my birthday...

For years I would count on my boyfriend at the time to occupy my birthday making it a good excuse for me to not have to plan anything...but in the last few years I've been single and have made attempts to get my lovely friends together to celebrate. Actually, the first year I did this, Josh and I were still together when I started planning a very simple movie night/bar get together for my birthday -- but then Josh and I broke up before the actual day, so I ended up being single for the event... it was like I knew... (haha, no... i don't know *shakeshead*).

Anyway, I really did want to start celebrating with my friends more, so last year I decided to go all out and do the most daring thing I could think of that would include all of my friends from all of their different places. I threw a giant party/show -- AND, after years of not inviting people to my performances because it makes me so nervous, I decided to perform at the party/show. It was amazing, but one of the most stressful things I've ever done.

This year, I wanted something simple. Michael, one of my best friends, offered to take me out to dinner and a show. (Side note: When I first met Michael, I tried to take him out to a comedy show one night, and when we arrived at the venue there was no comedy going on... at all. He's been giving me a hard time about that ever since... :) ) For my birthday, Michael and I decided to finally see a comedy show together!! It was awesome. :D

I still wanted to celebrate with the rest of my friends, but wasn't sure what that would look like... so, I put off planning anything until a few days before when a handful of friends started asking me what we were going to do for my birthday. I ended up inviting my close friends to an acrobats show the night before, and then to the piano bar near my house. It turned out to be perfect. My last minute planning made the attendance low, which made it great for me to really get to hang out with the people who were there, and it was sooo fun!! On the day of my birthday, Josh also took me to brunch and to see a matinee movie. :)

My friend Alex said he would drive me home after the piano bar because I had had one drink and was wasted. :) His friend Brian was with us, and when I was drunkenly complaining about being 37, Brian said, "Alex, is she sh*tting me? She's not 37..." I actually love it when people talk about me like I'm not there...(it's true!) When Alex confirmed that I was, in fact, 37, Brian said (to me, this time), "In the two times I've met you, there has not be one moment when it has even crossed my mind to consider that you were not 24." ...yes, I am writing this to make myself feel better about being SUPER OLD!! :P

To another year!

*clink*

2012-01-18T23:54:00.001-08:00

This is a picture from the DNA lounge on an all ages night. Once I got past the fact that I was probably dancing next to a few 18 year olds, I had so much fun... ! :)

I find myself in these moments thinking, "I'm too old for this..." and then, "Ah, what the hell -- " haha. :D

~~~~~~~~

Theater I need to mention:

Bring It On the Musical was FANTASTIC!!! It was pure fun, and one of the most beautifully lit shows I think I've ever seen. I'm not a fan of the Bring It On movies, but the live performance with the cheerleading stunts, dancing, incredible actors (who were all gorgeous, by the way) was exquisite.

Then, Wilde Bride... !!! A completely physical, rhythmic, dark, charming journey through ... life. Deep and lovely and, a bit ineffable. Blew my mind -- SO GOOD!!

I also need to mention Ratcreek, the show I ran the lights for last week. I guess the director is known for working with senior citizens, people in recovery, and people with mental illnesses -- which, turns out, makes for some pretty remarkable performers! There was such a raw beauty in the people in the show. I loved the crazy poetic writing, the outrageous make-up, and the exceptional use of trash. Really creative comedic direction... so inspiring!!!

Light

2012-01-14T23:10:00.001-08:00

This week I've had the opportunity to run the light board for a small fringe show at the Exit. Jennyb is the designer on the show and thought it'd be a good opportunity for me to learn. I've. Learned. So. Much. ! I had no idea how much work it would be to just run the board. ...though, this is an old board where you have to do all the cues manually, so a little more difficult that what most theaters probably have today. Such an incredible experience. Completely different than performing. I'm exhausted.

:)

After the Goldrush

2012-01-08T03:01:00.001-08:00

Well, I dreamed I saw the knights
In armor coming,
Saying something about a queen.
There were peasants singing and
Drummers drumming
And the archer split the tree.
There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.

I was lying in a burnt out basement
With the full moon in my eyes.
I was hoping for replacement
When the sun burst thru the skies.
There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high.
Thinking about what a
Friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.

Well, I dreamed I saw the silver
Space ships flying
In the yellow haze of the sun,
There were children crying
And banners flying
All around the chosen ones.
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun.
Flying Mother Nature's Silver seed to a new home in the sun.
Flying Mother Nature's Silver seed to a new home in the sun.

Hammertime :D

2012-01-03T02:15:00.000-08:00

I got back to the Bay the day after Christmas with a week off and nothing on my calendar. ...yeah, completely daunting for me of endless plans... I spent the first night unpacking and relaxing but, by mid-afternoon the next day, I had a decently full calendar of movie nights, Moma, a visit to an underground wine bar, a day in Tilden/Jack London Square, NYE stuffs, and brunches, etc.

I have to say, going to SFMOMA with Gabriella = one of the most enjoyable times I've ever had in a museum. :)

I've discovered (in my relatively relaxing last minute plans) that I don't like being alone ... and, it turns out that I like having people over. ? ...and, chill days just wandering around are completely delightful.

My favorite moment from NYE was Alex racing James down the hill in Dolores Park. Alex totally bit it. :D

I feel like tomorrow will be painful but, what the hell... :) Bring it on 2012!

2012

2012-01-01T21:32:00.001-08:00

In 2011:

I pushed boundaries, faced fears, attempted dating (sort of), tried to make healthy choices, produced shows, had an identity/existential/midlife crisis (also, sort of), did everything i could fit into my schedule, went to europe, fought, danced, auditioned, performed, had adventures, saw many shows, laughed, cried, dreamed, hoped, played...

In 2012:

I hope to continue what I did in 2011, but I'd like to add pacing and more peace in solitude in 2012. ...and subtract the crisis and overactive desire to do everything...

Midway

2011-12-26T12:19:00.001-08:00

Christmas music still rings through the PA as I eat a pastrami sandwich made by a cute, corn fed, Midwestern boy at an airport diner. He smiles at me shyly when I repeat that I don't need a pickle with my sandwich.

It's amazing to me how quiet and clean it is here, and how nice the people are in general. It reminds me of what my life used to be like. Simple. Lacking in the texture and diversity the Bay Area confronts me with on a daily basis. Here I find myself feeling comfortable and restless... I think I long for this kind of peace sometimes - but it's weird to remember what it's like to be the "only Asian".

Santacon and beyond

2011-12-19T01:16:00.000-08:00

Noah texts me and says, "Are you joining us for Santacon? I can buy you your Santa costume, only $5!" ... I had to work on the student film that day, but said I would join if I could.

Santacon is where a bunch of people dress up like Santa Claus and wander around the city getting drunk. ? I think. I went for a few hours, and then left for the film shoot. I returned later to join my friends for a french exit at another friend's party, and then to hit the DNA lounge for some Santa dancing. Oh, the holidays...

This weekend, I had 4 parties to go to.

Noah and Joe's A Very Ukulele Christmas CD release / ugly christmas sweater party, Sarah and David's holiday happy hour, AMP's Christmas Party, and Isabel and Jimmy's holiday party.

Lots of friends and lots of fun! Lots of food. :)

On set

2011-12-12T01:13:00.000-08:00

I was cast in a student film that was shot over the last two weekends. I played the part of a 21 year old girl in college who was accepted into med school, but gets pregnant with her 22 year old boyfriend (the star of the film). I don't want to give too much away in case I decide to share the film, but I will tell you that it was one of the most challenging and complex parts I've ever had to play.

The 22 year old was actually played by a 22 year old, and was with whom I shared my first on screen kiss. !! (...it actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be). I also had to cry on screen for this film, and do a scene in the shower. It was all very tastefully and respectfully done, but what an emotional, exhausting, and invigorating experience... and, it's always fascinating to me how much you grow when you really push yourself.

Part of the film was shot at the top of Campanile (above), the clock-tower on Berkeley campus. Beautiful...

Love songs

2011-12-10T01:44:00.000-08:00

This poem made me cry...

jake shimabukuro

2011-12-05T00:17:00.000-08:00

at the warfield... lost in the purity, the smoke swirling in the stage lights, the immaculate sound...

Thankful

2011-12-01T00:34:00.001-08:00

i'm thankful for: laughter that you can't stop. found love, lost love, enduring love, freak out and lose your mind love, sweet love... sad songs. creme brulee that is perfectly scorched and perfectly creamy. great memories. my amazing family and friends. platform shoes. and bossa nova that sounds like a beach dressed in beige...

If only it were that easy...

2011-11-29T20:11:00.000-08:00

The 1s

2011-11-23T11:38:00.001-08:00

I was at a co-worker's desk yesterday and found these 1s. He said I could have them so I took them, kept one for myself, and gave the other two to the other Executive Assistants in the office.

Later, I sent the other EAs an email that said this:

"Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep."

- Fight Club. :)

Sorry to geek out, I'm weirdly obsessed with the 1s right now.

The other EAs thought i wanted to start a flight club... Later, I sent them another email that said this:

I feel like i've just given you too much exposure to my over active mind. :) sorry!

what happened was, at the end of today someone asked about the 1s. they said something like, "what's with the 1s?" i responded, "all the EAs have 1s... (then off the top of my head said something like) you know, cause we're the 1s who do everything, and the 1s who know all the stuff, and the 1s who get blamed for all the crap..." haha... and, that reminded me of this quote from fight club and made me realize that we are the 1s... (pause for dramatic effect.). anyway, it doesn't have anything to do with fight club (or anything really) directly, just reminded me of that quote from the movie. ("...we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep...") it's a loose connection but, i guess i was thinking that we're the "we (or 1s)" he was referring to in the movie. the people who get it all done. sooo yeah, i made the connection, thought it was sort of interesting and that it gave the 1s a purpose, so i thought i'd send it along thinking you guys would also make the same amazing connection and we'd all be proud of the fact that we found a reason for the 1s. ?

:D

(do you think i'm crazy now? i mean, more than before...?)

Back in black

2011-11-22T23:39:00.001-08:00

I got to work the hip hop dance fest again with the amazingly talented lighting designer, Jennyb!! This time I assisted in the lighting booth, so took lots of notes and really soaked in all of the behind the scenes chatter that produces a great show. It was a lot more brain work for me this year, in lieu of all the crazy running around from last year. I missed being connected with the stage and the performers, but being in the booth felt like I was more a part of the creative process. There were definitely benefits to doing both and I'm so grateful to have had the chance to work the show from both perspectives.

This is absolutely one of my favorite shows in the bay area. It's so inspiring and full of energy that you can't help but leave feeling full of life and ready to dance!

All of the groups were amazing, but my favorites this year were: Robot Boys, Academy of Villains, Plague, and FBC.

Louise Erdrich, The Painted

2011-11-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

2011-11-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

Did you know you can mix Mucinex with a bunch of other drugs? Here's a link in case you're interested: http://www.bjchealth.org/?id=5488&sid=3 I'm presently mixing it with Sinex.

Tonight started out at this bar (pictured above). Civilized, classy, stylish. The conversation was nice, and the company the exact kind you'd hope for after a long work week. I stayed for a little over an hour and then headed to Alameda for dinner with a good friend at one of our favorite sushi bars -- which has remarkable customer service and the most delightful restaurant birthday celebrations I've ever experienced. They turn off the lights and bring out dessert with this tiny golden tree, and then they all sing happy birthday with their lovely voices and Japanese accents. It's the kind of thing that makes you smile from this deep deep place -- completely heartwarming and amazing. When you go to leave, all the waitstaff lines up at the door to say thank you and wish you a good night. <3

On my way home after dinner, a friend invited me out to an Irish pub in North Beach. Now, really, you'd think I'd know better...but it wasn't so bad. :) Silly old men downstairs, and strange enfeebled young men upstairs, but ... a cute place overall, and I was in cute company.

==========

This week was full of awesome. :)

Meditation with Angela
Dinner and a movie w/ Brian and Teresa
Taqueria and tea w/ Tommy
Hank IV and Andy's birthday

...but also missing a bit of awesome...which was you if you don't see yourself listed here. :)

If only I could shut off my brain

2011-11-07T00:36:00.001-08:00

I've been kind of sad lately... while being surrounded by wonderful things.

Day of the Dead parade w/ Noah.
Yummy dinner and Cat Lady at ODC with Aria.
Dancing w/ Alex and Joe.
Meeting w/ local Asian filmmakers, two impromptu film shoots, great connections, and new friends.
Blackbird with Anna and random city adventures.
The Ripcurl surf competition at Ocean Beach.
Come out and play games.
Perfect girl's night out at a restaurant turned speakeasy...

Direct my sail

2011-11-06T23:43:00.000-08:00

My friend, Jon, said that taking control never works and that I should let go. "...to let go you just gotta release the handlebars..."

*deepbreathandexhale*

At 16, I was mistaken for being 12. At 19, a 6th grader (so, also 12?). At 21, a 14 year old....?!

I'm 36 and generally mistaken for being somewhere between 23 and 28 - which you'd think would work to my advantage....

Here's what's wrong with being single and looking younger than you are:

1. Guys your age or older (in my experience) treat you like you're an idiot until they find out your age.

2. Younger guys think you're their age, which gets you surrounded by lots of younger guys.

What does this have to do with relinquishing control? Well, I can't do anything about how I look. I can't do anything about who I like or don't like. I can't do anything about who likes or doesn't like me....

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

*handlebarsreleased*

If I slept, I probably wouldn't be tired.

2011-11-02T01:29:00.000-07:00

I'm walking to a taqueria in the Mission tonight and a guy walking by points at me and says, "YOU are sexy..." I seem to always take these things with a grain of disbelief. ? ...but, maybe that's actually the problem.

~~~~

Things I haven't mentioned, but should, include: Phedra w/ the lovely Gabriella, dinner w/ Matt and Jess and little Wilder, Stella bella, happy hour w/ Aram, Punchline w/ Joan, celebration of speech victory w/ Josh and the wine bar, Total BS and Hank IV, Rosencrantz and Gildenstein are Dead (on stage!) and fancy dinner w/ Noah, and soccer w/ Teresa!

Am I too old for Halloween...

2011-10-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

...cause WTF... ?!

I dressed up as a Tim Burton doll. Black and white stripey dress, awesome fur collared vest thingy, crazy wirey hair, lots of black eye make-up, dull lips.

First stop was a co-worker's party. Gorgeous house, older crowd, amazing food, photographer, psychic. I had to leave before I could get a reading... but, I probably should've stayed there all night.

Second stop was the Monster Ball. Mostly Asian, mostly in underwear, crappy DJ, mostly 25 year olds, and I wasn't dressed like a hooker so I felt a little out of place -- though, I did get some nice compliments on my crazy hair.

My favorite part of the night was in the bathroom with Emily -- the woman working there said, "You have the toilet seat stuck to your skirt." We looked, and she had the seat cover hanging out of her underwear.

What happened to the days when girls wore clothes for Halloween? When people dressed up scary, or in an actual costumes that weren't meant to just look slutty...? And, at what point did it become "sexy" for girls to bump and grind on each other... ?!

hopeless place

2011-10-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight, this guy says to me, "...so, you're a great catch just waiting to be caught...".

It's weird how some things can make you feel completely trapped.

2011-10-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

I think my readership has plummeted after I removed my blog link from the status on my gchat... but, it had to be done. ...or, maybe my subject matter and "protection" of those I'm writing about has made me less searchable. Either way, thank you (YOU) for still reading.

Tonight, I gave a speech at work about stage combat as part of a series we're doing called "Why I love...". It's an internal get-to-know-your-co-workers kind of thing, but done all out - complete with posters, trading cards of the speakers, and wine and cheese for good attendance. I wished for severely broken legs before the speech and I believe it was a success...and, actually, it was quite an invigorating process to have to go through. There are moments when I realize that I'm pretty lucky to work at the company I do.

Tonight, I also had a drunken reading of some old journal writings over the phone with a good friend. I used to be so deep, he said... so, I've decided to include the following in this space since I seem to be in a moment of taking risks. I wrote this just before I moved here, I think, so...11 years ago? I have written part of this on my blog before, but here it is in its entirety, unedited:

Everything melds into this blur of coffee and canned conversation and I begin to wonder if a focus point exists in a world full of passion originated from an underground emphatic determination to find truth in the beauty of pure expressed emotion. And I know that they all are connected by a right of purpose ununderstood, but they...know... And I get lost sometimes....in the conversation...in the passing thoughts of your fingers drumming on my back a perfect rhythm...and I float off to a place where it still doesn't make sense but the view is better. Can I feel it? Do I hear it? Can I see? But who are you to judge my intentions locked up in your own insecurities pushing them on to me.... if you don't like me, quit trying to stand next to me and how dare you kiss me on the cheek and expect me to kiss back. And the race begins again....for impressions nervously made in a noisy bar for all of the uninterested spectators to see that you have the courage to make me walk away without ever seeing who you are....and I become that girl....who's beyond superficial meetings but can't seem to get away from them. I'm looking for inspiration with all the rest of the directionless people working on 4 hours of sleep and wondering why they didn't seem to notice because they were too tired to care....And all of a sudden it becomes clear. I drop the chains off my back....and stare into the distance....

Love LIFE

2011-10-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

"I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." - Lucas, Empire Records -- quoting Mark Twain, I think. ?

I went on more abandoned places adventures this weekend, then ended up at a corn maze for zombie tag. Zombie tag was not as fun as it was supposed to be but, regardless, it was pretty fun being out in the corn maze and the day/night adventures were just generally great all around. I have to admit, I think going to the abandoned amusement park terrifying haunted house actually made the zombie tag maze a piece of cake. It was interesting to discover a positive outcome from that experience...

Dîner en Blanc

2011-10-15T15:59:00.001-07:00

I was invited to Le Dîner à San Francisco about a month ago. This was the invitation I received from my friend Keenan:

The first Diner en Blanc San Francisco is happening this October, and I'm on the reservation list. This means that I get to have a table with three guests for the event.

It started in Paris 35 years ago, so calling it a flashmob sounds kind of déclassé, but essentially, that's what it is. 1,000 people will descend on an undisclosed, iconic, outdoor location, bringing dinner, tables, chairs, and ambience, and wearing all white.

If you're reading this, then I think you may be interested in joining along, however, if we follow the rules, only three people can come. We'll see how that goes...

For the curious, a blog about this year's event in Paris: http://paris.untappedcities.com/2011/06/17/in-pictures-the-2011-paris-diner-en-blanc/

~~~~

From what I understand, this event had more like 3500 people.

We met in the Music Concourse in Golden Gate park.

It was quite a spectacular sight to find so many people dressed in white mingling amongst the fountains and tables. They launched little, elegant, hot air balloons at random intervals and had Parisian street signs posted around the event.

For dinner we brought: champagne, wine, salad, tamales, meatballs, and banana cream pie. We lost the girl who was supposed to bring bread, cheese, and fruit at the last minute to a broken down car, but were joined later by a last minute invitee who brought us much needed candles and water.

The temperature was perfect and I was in great company.

Thanks Keenan!

The exhibit

2011-10-13T23:37:00.001-07:00

After the wedding in Portland (see last post), I went back to my hotel room and slept for something like 3 hours. I had planned to walk around a bit but apparently my body needed rest, so much that I woke up achy... Yup, sick. Just in time to hop on a redeye to New York for work.

I was called to New York last Wednesday. They wanted me to leave on Thursday so I could be at work on Friday. I would stay through the weekend, work Monday and Tuesday, and head back Wednesday (yesterday). It would've meant a free weekend in New York, but missing the haunted amusement park, seeing Jason and Erin, and attending Stacy and John's wedding. Work said I could come when was best for me, but that being there Monday and Tuesday would really help out -- especially because they wanted me to work the exhibit Tuesday night.

A 10:25pm departure. I downed some Niquil at the Portland airport and hoped for the best.

I'm usually a really good plane sleeper and Niquil tends to knock me out... but, I landed in New York about 5 hours later having barely slept a wink. I went to my hotel room, showered, changed, and started my Monday.

Work was a bit of a blur, and everyone kept telling me how great I looked. ? ...which seems to happen to me when I haven't slept at all. The less I sleep, apparently, the better I look. ?? It's consistent and very weird.

I did manage to sneak in dinner with a friend on Monday, but it was an early night.

Tuesday I woke up with the chills. I got up and took some Dayquil and Advil and wrapped myself up. The sucky part about being flown to New York for work is you have to work. I got up, showered, and headed in.

Tuesday night I got to see the exhibit, finally, after so much anticipation. The exhibit was a huge public art installation we did for one of our clients. The executive I work for was a lead in the creative direction of the project, so I did a ton of support work on it. I had seen bits and pieces and was hoping I'd have a chance to see the finished product in person so, even though I knew this trip (aside from being sick) wouldn't afford time to play, I was really excited to have the chance to come out. It was beautiful!! Just what I expected. I was so happy to be there to celebrate it with my executive and the lead principal on the project. Really detailed, inspiring, magnificent work.

I went to bed early that night as well, slept in a bit on Wednesday, headed straight to the airport, slept all the way back to the bay, went to bed early again last night, and here I am...

City of Roses

2011-10-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

I arrived in the City of Roses on Saturday afternoon and realized that the last time I had been there was in 2006, just before Danny and I broke up... Who knew that would come rushing back as I walked passed the security gate...

Portland hasn't changed -- it's just as beautiful and friendly and easy as I remembered. I, on the other hand, have changed quite a bit....

I needed to run some errands, so I went to the mall across the street from my hotel. I walked in and a very handsome young man started talking to me. He said he was looking for his new fiancé and wanted to know my name. I told him and said that I was looking for a make-up brush. As I walked away, he called to me. "Kristen, wait up! So, you're not wearing any make-up right now? Well, then you don't need it because you look beautiful.". He was sweet. He asked my age so I told him I was 36, and he said, "I'm 19, but I'll be 20 next week. Can I call you?". I told him I was only there until tomorrow but that he had just made my day.

Next on the agenda was a dinner with Jason and Erin and their two beautiful kids. It was so great to catch up with them and meet their little ones.

This visit was for Stacy and John's wedding. They had a late happy hour reception on Saturday night, and then a nice ceremony in small banquet hall in the woods on Sunday afternoon. I didn't get to see them enough, but I wish them the very best as they move forward in this new phase of their life.

Reckless abandon

2011-10-09T00:39:00.001-07:00

This photo is of an abandoned hospital, the third of three stops on a late night spooky adventure.

The first stop was a terrifying abandoned amusement park turned haunted amusement park in Guerneville. I don't actually like haunted houses, and I don't know if I've ever been as scared as I was in this one. My heart was beating out of my chest and I was literally sweating by the time we walked out of there. I actually think there was a point at which the people working/scaring felt sort of bad for me. I'm kind of embarrassed at how completely terrified I was...but, one of the guys I was with said I was great, that the people who worked there were waiting for someone like me to show up all night, and that he wished he could be in my head and feel that way. !!!

The second stop was an abandoned winery in Santa Rosa. A beautiful dilapidated set of buildings at the end of a field -- covered in graffiti with the moon shining through the fallen roofs.

I have a friend who has a thing for abandoned stuff and, apparently, I "seem like a risk taker" so he knew I would go on this adventure.... the haunted amusement park was a little much for me. The rest of it was a little spooky, but lovely...

Dodgeball!

2011-10-02T01:02:00.001-07:00

My company entered a design firm dodgeball tournament and it was sooo much funnn!!! Dodgeball is somehow way better as an adult. ? ... although, we did have this weird moment where Kelvin was cussing out the ref while Rob yelled at the team for "NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER OR COORDINATING ENOUGH!!' ha! Wow... :)

This week was full of awesome. Aside from getting out of the office for dodgeball day, I had a great catch up session with Joan, movie night w/ Noah and Joe, Dodgeball practice which was weirdly fun, my aunt and uncle were in town! BBB, Anna's birthday party, my first guitar lesson, Lachelle at Luka's, Broadsword at the Marina, Brian's birthday party, and a fun night with Michael.... and, I still have more weekend to go. ;)

Fully loaded

2011-09-29T00:44:00.001-07:00

"What made you start smoking again?"

"...well, that's a loaded question."

"Sounds like it must be a loaded answer..."

We wander, shop, dance, and then head to the courtyard for some air. We sit on a bench not far from a guy who is lighting up a cigarette. Another guy walks up and stands in front of the smoking guy and absently starts shaking his ass to the music -- which makes the smoking guy twist all up on the bench to avoid the shaking ass. I giggle. Me and smoking guy make brief eye contact and he scoots out of ass shaking range to greet us with a slurry introduction.

"Hi, I'm Aaron... I just came from a wedding... what's your names? ...wow, can I just say that the two of you look absolutely stunning tonight. *grin*" (Aaron wasn't actually his name...I heard him wrong.)

A mix between Ben Affleck, Richard Gere, and...a baby? He's really drunk, but sort of strangely charming. ?

Aaron tells us about his job and shows us videos of him on a boat. He then pulls out a joint and starts smoking it while displaying an app on his phone that counts how long it's been since his last cigarette. .... ??? He tells us he just started smoking again about a month ago...

"What made you start smoking again?"

He proceeds to tell us detailed stories about a Japanese woman he got pregnant who ran away with his baby, two failed marriages, run-ins with Katt Williams and Dave Chappelle, and a letter he wrote to Maury Povich... his stories are laced with humor and dripping with charm. "...but, what made you start smoking again?". Another story would replace the answer.

Before he goes, he starts spelling something in my ear again and again. "It's my name..." he says, "A. R. ..." he starts giving me mnemonic devices so I won't forget it. "Do you want me to find you?" I ask, "and, will you tell me why you started smoking...?!"

He's about walk away, when he leans in one last time to say, "I have a live-in girlfriend who doesn't like it when I smoke. I'm trying to get rid of her. Find me."

Did I forget to mention the supernova...

2011-09-26T01:58:00.001-07:00

There's so much I haven't mentioned from the last couple weeks... birthday parties, shows, Jennifer's departure for college, flash mob class, a night at The Lost Church, nice dinners with friends, work events, a ukulele session, a soul house party, and a perfect adventure though the Oakland Hills in search of the supernova...

This weekend, I had a great night out with Gabriella, Keenan, Brian, and Teresa. A quick stop at a gallery, then off to Berkeley to see a David Bowie cover band and Total B.S. (Bob Segar). We thought Matt would be playing with Total B.S. but apparently he broke his hand...! So, we missed him that night, but super fun show and super fun time regardless!!

Saturday, I cleaned, did laundry, took a dress to get tailored...then met up with miss Kara for a night on the town. We found ourselves at a bar in downtown Oakland for a drink, then off to the New Parish for some dancing 'n stuff. We met a fascinating man at the Parish...which I will have to blog about separately. :)

Today, (er...yesterday) I went to flash mob class, caught up a bit with Gabriella, took an amazing nap, had a quick dinner w/ Digs, then headed out to pub trivia with Brian, Teresa, Jen, Justin, Robb, and friends. We got third place tonight!

My life's been a little taken over by plans with my amazing friends these days... but, I'm so lucky to have so many amazing friends. :) I do want to start thinking about classes and shows again soon though...

City of Angels...

2011-09-20T01:39:00.000-07:00

I'm dancing at a club, and this tower of Asian yumminess says to me, "Are you ready for this?" and does a sexy unbutton-his-shirt dance to reveal a tiger tattooed across his very nice chest. I giggle...and just keep dancing. ? He pulls me into his arms, which puts me about a foot or so off of the ground, and then lifts me above his head and kind of caveman yells while I dangle and squeal and thank God that I'm wearing little dress shorts instead of a skirt.... !!

A very unplanned last minute road trip with the girls. :)

I'm no longer allowed to listen to Niggas in Paris while driving but, aside from that -- dim sum, shopping, the Tim Burton exhibit at LACMA, taco trucks, clubbing, the beach, Caribbean food, getting lost, giggling, music, girl talk, driving...

...the Asian caveman comes by to dance and then wanders off -- he is friends of friends, a little Sung Kang and a little...Marky Mark(?)... and, a little bit aggressive for my taste.

At the end of the night, he pulls me close and asks, "Are you scared?"

"I'm kind of scared..." I admit.

He says, "Don't be..."

...I turn my head and his kiss lands on my cheek...

Things I'll never forget: to pay attention to the road while Niggas in Paris is playing, how generous and lovely girlfriends can be, that the beach is always amazing and, no matter how many kisses are dodged -- a sexy tiger will make an impression...

;)

lost in space...

2011-09-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

One night, in a room in a beautiful house in San Juan Capistrano, I sang an entire Sundays album to an audience I that thought was sleeping...

A head full of daydreams. A heart full of...

Adventures in art 'n stuff

2011-09-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

After a treacherous piggy back ride (I was in 4 inch heels) over hills of concrete, dirt, shrubbery, and boulders, we made our way through this amazing graffiti homeless tent camp and found ourselves here... by the bay. Metal and concrete, paint, words and pictures.

Another friend and I found ourselves admiring a giant mural on Shotwell after watching a short documentary about street art at the MOMA.

This weekend was full of random adventure, new places, great art and great friends. I went to the Marin Shakes steampunk Tempest, a lindy hop class/dance, a hookah lounge, had a lovely breakfast with some lovely ladies, hit a music festival in Japantown, saw a movie, had a breakfast/walk with a favorite, got a massage, and had a nice dinner/dessert.

Long weekends with no plans seem to fill up with the best things.

"You are one very, very talented lady of stunning beauty."

2011-09-03T00:41:00.001-07:00

Stunning? This was sent to me in a rejection email by a playwright I auditioned for. It was a confusing message... overall.

I need to figure out what's next. I'm not working on anything specific at the moment so I'm considering an acting class, continuing to audition, a photography and/or writing class, or producing another show. I've actually been thinking a lot about an ongoing series of shows that create a safe space for new artists to explore...

...but it'd have to be done exactly right, wouldn't it?

Sleep deprived

2011-08-29T16:36:00.001-07:00

Midnites for maniacs! Holly came into town for the Edgar Wright triple feature on Friday night at the Castro theater. Scott Pilgrim vs the World (best movie ever), Hot Fuzz, and Shaun of the Dead. Yesssss!! The movies, plus Q&As with Edgar, had us at the theater until like 3am! Gabriella and Cathy (and their little bottles of alcohol) joined us too -- ha!

On Saturday, I joined Gabriella, Morgan, and their friends for the late show of Stuffed and Unstrung at the Curran. Crazy improv puppetshow awesome!

I am so sleep deprived that there are parts of the last two weeks that I don't actually remember... I haven't fully rested from my vacation, which is catching up with me, while not properly slowing me down. I haven't mentioned that in the last week/weekend, I've also gone to an audition, trivia night, dinners with friends, and a beer fundraiser party. Miss Holly has been staying with me (along with another friend of hers over the weekend) and we've had yummy breakfasts (which means I've been up "early") and late nights. So fun, but I'm soo tired...

I was planning to go to LA for Labor Day -- but, now, I am planning to sleep. :)

Blues, books, BBQs, and backyards...

2011-08-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

My first weekend after my vacation, and then flying in on Monday morning and working all week, was supposed to be relaxing... but instead:

I went blues dancing on Friday night. Blues dancing is somewhere between swing dancing and dirty dancing... depending on your partner. It's very social, however, and a lot of fun -- not to mention, done to some great music! After blues dancing, I went to see a friend's band at Benders. The band was a bit of an escape after dancing, which you'll have to ask me about in person.

Saturday, I woke up, took my car in for a service, went to a book swap, and then to a going away BBQ/party, which later joined with a birthday party.

On Sunday, I went to an annual party a friend throws to celebrate the years he's lived in San Francisco. They had Tahitian dance performance (with audience participation - above) and Boylesque. :) Then I went to Brian and Teresa's new place in Oakland for some pizza and Magic game education.

Productive and fun! Mostly fun.

This is why I live in the East Bay

2011-08-19T19:57:00.001-07:00

Well, this and a ton of other reasons... :)

I'm sitting in the Yerba Buena Gardens waiting to go Blues dancing. It's foggy...like I'm actually in a cloud...damp, hazy... I'm wearing a skirt, boots, and knee socks -- which is my favorite combination for a chilly San Francisco summer. My oufit appears to be drawing a lot of attention...which probably means I look inappropriately dressed for the fog... The diversity of this city never ceases to surprise me. I was just watching a punk, fairy godmother guy denying the wishes of his very homely over weight friend... corporate people and professors types have walked by, teenagers, hippies, computer guys, moms, old people, fashion people... With every race and color mixed in.

There's no place like San Francisco.

Jetlag

2011-08-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

After my last post, my flight from NY to SF was delayed from 7:20pm to 1:50am... Yeowch, is right. I was in the airport for something like 8 and a half hours. I arrived in the Bay around 5am, went home, slept for about 2 hours, and made it to work by 10am... this week has felt like a dream.

A New York minute...

2011-08-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

After a really late night, I woke up pretty easily on Thursday, got everything done at the apartment, left right on time, got on Airlink to Edinburgh airport, freaked out because I was supposed to be going to Glascow airport, hopped off Airlink intending to get on the train to Glascow, thought it would take too long and grabbed a cab. The cab quoted 125 pounds and said it would take an hour to get to Glascow. I told him I was on a flight to NY at 12:05pm (it was then 10:30am)... about 7 minutes later the cab driver asked to see my ticket info because he checked the flights at Glascow (on his iPhone while driving) and nothing was going to NY at or around 12:05pm... 25 pounds later he dropped me off at Edinburgh airport with just enough time to get on my flight. Whew!! CRAZY!!!! How did I not look to see what airport I was flying from...?!!

I landed in New York at 2:50pm, met up with Simón to drop stuff off and get cleaned up, and then headed out to meet Patrick for the 7:30pm arrival time for Sleep No More (an interactive Macbeth performance). The show was interesting, and fun to experience, but I wanted to see a stronger storyline. ?

After the show, Patrick and I walked a bit of the highline, and then headed down to meet Desire (in the picture above) and her friends at a party where I was also meeting back up with Simón (who is also in the picture above, but you can't really see him). It was so great to see Des!

Friday, I got to have a late lunch with the lovely Holly Chou, and then Simón took me to a very nice dinner with him and his brother. Afterward, we split from his brother and hit a Speakeasy near Chinatown. ... "it's supposed to be right here..."

On Saturday, Simón and I rode a lot of public transportation :), saw a NY fringe show called... Billy? (I think that was the name) ...and I purposely missed my flight home. We had a nice dinner at a Turkish restaurant and sat on his back patio in the rain, chatting and smoking hookah.

It's Sunday. I'm about to head to the airport and I can't believe how perfect that last two weeks have been. There were some hard moments, and some lonely moments, but what a great adventure....

:)

...and, scene.

2011-08-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

I stopped running and strolled today...

I woke up and went to see Man of Valour, an incredible one man show about a man learning to face his demons using storytelling + mime + projection. It was phenominal!! There was a moment when the man struggles with his dark side, which is shown by the actor "removing" a mask to reveal an evil character, and it was quite a startling and distinct transition. The actor did an exceptional job making his imaginary world precisely clear...

Next up was The Dark Philosophers. This was another one that was performed beautifully, but I didn't fully understand. From the reviews, it needs a bit more development and is about a Welsh writer, which explains a lot of the mystery. If I had done my homework, I probably would've gotten more out of it, but a wonderful performance regardless.

I ended my Fringe experience with the comedian Daniel Sloss. I heard he was a great young performer, and that he was excellent.... I liked him, but I honestly wasn't blown away. I met some lovely people today as I was sitting around between shows, and some of his fans who I was talking with before this show told me afterwards that his stuff isn't as strong as it used to be. Oh well. He's only 20 (or something like that), and started doing comedy when he was 16! I'm sure once he transitions more into adulthood, he'll find his flow again.

After Daniel, I took a long walk home in the rain. It was beautiful and warm, and I couldn't help but think that I should neglect all of my responsibilities and just stay here. The festival has been amazing, and I love talking to people about theatre. The city is beautiful and it's great hanging with Nik and seeing Anna. *sigh* ... but I do miss my cats and my bed and Bay Area food and driving and being in the same country as all of the wonderful people in my life. :)

Arthur's seat

2011-08-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I felt like I was running all day today! I had planned to meet Nik on the Mile at 10:40am, but somehow took a really long time getting ready and ended up running through town to meet him before 11am when I said he should no longer wait for me. Not having phones here has made planning a little tricky. Luckily I met him in time, so we decided to go to Arthur's Seat. Arthur's Seat is a steep, jagged, beautiful hike up a landmark hill in Edinburgh. It has a amazing views of the city and, according to a local shop owner, is supposed to be a 45 minute hike if you have good legs, and an hour and 15 minute hike if you don't. :) We made it to the top in about 30-35 minutes, we think.

We were in kind of a rush to get to the top, because Anna arrived in Edinburgh and I told her I'd meet her at 1:30pm. Because of Nik and I's great legs, we were able to do the hike and get to the meeting place with time to spare.

Nik had a performance today, so Anna and I hung out and caught up for a bit, and then I headed to a Korean clown show. The show was aMAZing!!! Wow, so funny and such great skill!! Made me happy. ;)

After the Korean clowns, I had some time on my own so I did a little shopping, and then headed to The Monster in the Hall. Monster was an excellent, beautifully performed, and an incredibly creative piece about a girl coping with having a single parent who has MS. It was charming, funny, and quite moving.

I didn't realize how long The Monster in the Hall was, so I bought tickets at a venue about 20 minutes away for a show that started about 10 minutes after Monster let out. !!! I started to run back across the city to the next show, and then gave up and jumped in a cab. Luckily they had late seating, so I was able to see the Sharron Matthews show tonight.

Finally, I had planned to meet Nik and maybe Anna for free comedy, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it might not happen, so I ran home to check my email and found I had messages from both of them saying they were kind of worn out. Nik mentioned he might be still up to hang out if it was something a bit more mellow, so we decided to meet between our places for a nice late night drink.

Tomorrow's my last full day in Edinburgh... and then NY.

Ducks, clowns, and ghosts

2011-08-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

Traveling by myself has been great, but having Nik here has been really great. :) We walked up to the castle today but it was expensive to get in, so Nik used the phone and then we headed back down the Mile.

We split up for a while because I got a comp to a show called The Ducks. A friend of a friend directed it, and it was a beautifully done piece. The acting was exquisite... though, I'm not sure I completely understood what it was about. ?

Nik and I met back up to see a Japanese clown show called Tokyo Game: The Body Tights Man Show. Wow, super creative, fun, and kind of weird. :)

At the end of the day, Nik was nice enough to accompany (protect) me on The Ghost and Torture Tour: A Dark Historical Journey Above and Below Ground. When I arrived in Edinburgh, I was told there was a city built underground that people lived in at one point. It was awful living conditions and was eventually buried, but someone discovered it years later and now they do tours of the city with the option of the historical tour or the scary tour. When I was looking at the brochure, I apparently missed the part in italics. I think it was the most historical tour of the options, however, because the other tours were called: The Terror Tour: The Ultimate Terrifying Experience; and The Underground Tour: Scotland's Most Haunted Underground Experience... but it was still really scary. Sleeping tonight will not be easy...

It's been raining for (insert dramatic voice) FIVE HUNDRED YEARS...!!

2011-08-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, more like two days. Straight. Which feels way longer when you're in another country and all you have to do is walk around in it. So. Much. Rain.

Nikolas arrived! We walked a bit of the Royal Mile in the rain and checked out some street performances. There was a great little Asian magician from Canada (who had a British accent... ? Unless we heard her wrong and she's not from Canada...which would make more sense. :)) who did card tricks, and was quite a dynamic and funny performer.

Nik and I split up to see separate shows, and I missed mine by seconds. They don't do late seating, so I wandered around New Town looking for gifts. Gifts from Scotland seem to consist of kilts, or random things in plaid... which is making me wish I had had more time to shop in Paris... and may mean I won't come back with gifts. :P

I met up with Nik again at 10:45pm to see Spielpalast Cabaret, which was sort of a random miss match of clowning, burlesque, and sketches. They had a live band that I really enjoyed.

I have to admit, the shows I've seen so far have been fun, but nothing has really knocked my socks off. ...though, I sort of think that's the nature of the Fringe. Lots of things in the works.

Rain

2011-08-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today it rained. A lot.

The shows I saw today were Mission Drift, and Henry Paker. Mission Drift was an American group that did a show about ... the American dream. I think. Regardless, it was performed well and the music was quite alluring.

Henry Paker was stand-up comedian from England. I was the only person of color (and I think the only American) at this particular performance. At one point Henry said something about oriental cooking, and a woman a few people down leaned over to see my reaction...? It was just a reference...? so, that was weird... but he was pretty good. :)

This guy...

2011-08-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

...or another guy in the apartment across the way that looks a lot like him, I think took a picture of me last night from this window. I saw him turn on the light and walk by a couple of times... then, a few minutes later, shut off the light and a little orange glow showed up in the window that was quickly pulled away, like the signal light from a camera that has the flashed turned off. So, here's a picture of him from my window. :P If he didn't take a picture of me, than I probably shouldn't have taken this picture and posted it but... oh well.

It's raining here. It's actually supposed to rain every day except Tuesday from now until I leave. I just bought a very cute umbrella.

Edinburgh

2011-08-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

Edinburgh feels so easy compared to Paris. Speaking the language makes a huge difference, the people are nice, and everything is pretty close. I am missing the ease of public transportation, and the mystery and romance of Paris, but Edinburgh is beautiful and quite charming.

I saw a Chinese performance in the Princes Gardens today, checked out a comedy show called 4 Poofs and a Piano, and got a free ticket to Sex You (I'm gonna), which was a "show" about this guy trying to have sex with an audience member. I actually really liked Sex You, much more than I thought I would. It was like 3 weeks of dating someone who's really trying to impress you smashed into 45 minutes...sort of. :)

There were a ton of street performances going on, and the city is buzzing with the festival.

Au revoir!

2011-08-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Ah... Paris.

Sacre Coeur
Musee de Montmartre
Canal St. Martin
Ile de la Cite
Ile St. Louis
Lourve
Jardin des Tuileries
Arc de Triomphe
Centre Pompidou
Jardin du Luxembourg
Tour Eiffel
Musee de Lourve

I walked Montmartre, the neighborhood by the canal, the Iles, the Seine, the Lourve and Tuileries, Luxembourg, and the beautiful streets in Saint Germain, and Marais.

I ate crepes in Montmartre, Luxembourg, and at the Tour Eiffel. Went to the Thai restaurant, the bagel shop, and the cafe by the metro in my neighborhood. Had a delightful afternoon dessert at le Fumoir, and then a lovely dinner at the top of Centre Pompidou (spectacular view and an absolutely gorgeous waiter). And then dinner at the Budda Bar, and breakfast on the street near the Lourve with David and his friends. Nicolas recommended the macaroons from La Maison du Chocolat...and, he was right. The best chocolate macaroons. INCREDIBLE!!

The apartment was perfect. Right on the canal and so nice to come home to every night. I would fall into bed. Exhausted. And listen to the music of the French language being spoken on the street below my window.

Au revior, Paris! Merci...

Last day in Paris

2011-08-03T14:21:00.001-07:00

Today, I went to the Eiffel Tower, road the Batobus (sp?), went to the Lourve, and was chased down the street in the Marais neighborhood by a man who claimed he needed and loved me... (so much for being safe in the gay part of town). It's been a fascinating and wonderful adventure.

More details to come... heading to Scotland tomorrow!

Paris

2011-08-03T01:09:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in my penthouse apartment listening to someone play the guitar on the canal. It's 1:43am and I'm actually not exhausted. This is the lastest I've been able to stay awake in this country. I think I'm finally beating the jetlag.

I was able to meet up with a friend tonight, which was nice. It made me feel much closer to home to just be able to have an entire conversation in more than basic English. I didn't realize I hadn't had a conversation like that in over 2 days.

I've walked a ridiculous amount of Paris. I know the trains well, have figured out how to get wifi and a toilet for free (given the right circumstances), and have seen some enchanting views and gorgeous tiny cobblestone streets.

Today, a painter took a photo of me and said I might show up in his art some day.

I hope this works...

2011-08-02T10:50:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in Luxembourg gardens eating a crepe watching a surprisingly diverse group of men play bocce ball. Everytime I look away I think a ball will fly out of the box and hit me in the head. It never happens. ...or hasn't yet... :)

It's my third day in Paris, and feels like I've been here for weeks. I've walked so much of the city, and my back and feet are so sore that I'm wondering how I will make it through the rest of this trip! :)

I get talked to by men on the street. The cute ones seem to only speak French. If I give one of them my hand, I've found it's hard to get it back.

The internet at my apartment isn't working, so getting online has been tricky. At the same time, it's been good to be unplugged. ...but, today, I think I've found a way to get free internet. We'll see. I also thought this yesterday. It's been an ongoing quest.

bah!

2011-07-31T10:39:00.001-07:00

i want to blog so bad, but i'm running out time at this cafe!!! one thing... french people seem to know i'm korean.

An observation and an update

2011-07-30T02:45:00.001-07:00

Why is it that Koreans put all the hot stuff in metal containers, and then give you metal chopsticks... ? On the flip side, you can reuse metal chopsticks and they're easier to handle than those giant plastic ones.

...

A week or so ago I was invited to join my friend Noah for a night of Jericho in the city. Jericho is an urban street game where you run around shooting dart guns at each other and is sort of like capture the flag...but then it's not really anything like capture the flag... Sooo fun though!! I highly recommend it.

In between Jericho and my vacation, I've gotten to spend some nice time with Michael, go to an outdoor theatre production in Lodi with the lovely Kara, celebrate the high school graduation of my friend Jennifer, enjoy a great hike with Sky, and share a perfect Irish coffee with Gabriella. Josh and I have also spent some time together since his return from Taiwan (yes, we're friends).

...and then there's the webisodes... so, I thought I was cast as a comedy/action star in what would be an attempt at a youtube series modeled after some of the work by Freddie Wong. It sounded like it'd be really fun stuff, but when we got "on set", it seemed more like a simple take on a cop series, and quickly evolved into something similar to "The Office". But with cops. And really low production quality. And no action. We did manage to pull off some alright comedy though because, as things evolved, the cast abandoned the script which turned out to be the best decision ever. I did direct a push that I think is funny, but I'm not really proud to know that these videos are out there for the world to view. I met some great people working on the project though.

... and off to Europe i go ... :)

I can't sleep.

2011-07-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

Work has been extremely stressful the last couple weeks and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by my upcoming trip. I've also been working on some amateur webisodes that have been time consuming and also stressful... not to mention attempting to maintain my crazy social life that seems to be growing exponentially these days. Life has definitely been exciting, but ... I just want to sleep.

Some highlights in the last couple weeks that weren't stressful include the Soul House party, Seussical the Musical (FANTASTIC SHOW!!), Stern Grove, soccer :), Nik's burlesque show, and I got to catch up with Maureen and Dave and meet their beautiful daughter Lily. :) Yay!

...it's weird because (weird?) part of me feels like I can't sleep right now due to feelings of anxiety about not being able to sleep in Europe... (is that ridiculous?)

Okay, off to count more sheep...

The story of Lewis

2011-07-16T18:25:00.001-07:00

*photo of Matt taken by me in West Oakland.

I pulled into the gate as the spotlight from the ghetto bird went right through our yard... "They must be close," I thought, and went inside to find a young black man standing in our living room. "Just listen to me! Just listen to me for like 5 minutes...!!!" he was saying to someone in the room. I thought we were being robbed, so I was about to tell him to get the f*** out of my house when I heard Matt say, "...okay."

"Oh, he's with Matt," I thought, and went upstairs to put my stuff away.

A few minutes later, I came downstairs with a bunch of key chains from my temp job. I walked into the living room and Matt introduced me to Lewis.

"Kristen, this is Lewis." he said.

Matt was eating spaghetti and he and Lewis were both sitting on the couch. I said, "Hello," to Lewis and offered him a key chain. He took one and so did Matt, and then Matt started telling me about his day. Matt said something like, "I was riding down California Street, and... oh, (to Lewis) I'm a bike messenger..."

A few minutes later, Aaron came home. Matt introduced Aaron to Lewis, and Aaron offered Lewis a beer. Lewis said he was good, so Aaron grabbed himself a beer and sat down with us.

Calvin (the Chinese guy who was always working on our house) was somewhere yelling for Andy. (Andy lived with us and also did a lot of work on the house.) "Does Calvin know that Andy isn't home...?" I asked. "Heh, apparently not." Matt said, and went into the kitchen.

"So, how do you know Matt?" I asked Lewis. "Oh, my brother lives in this neighborhood," he said, "and I was hanging out outside waiting for him to get home when Matt pulled up on his bike. We were talking for a while...and then Matt said I could come in and hang out until my brother gets home."

Matt would totally do that.

Lewis said he was from Sacramento and was just down visiting for a couple of days. He seemed like a nice guy.

Finally, Calvin stopped yelling and came inside. "Andy not here. We have no power. I call for Andy, but Andy not here..." Calvin had a really heavy Chinese accent and spoke broken English on repeat. I walked Calvin to the door and waited to click him and his van out of the gate.

Lewis said he needed to leave too. He was headed toward the door in the gate and wanted me to lock it behind him. I told him I thought it would be okay, but Lewis seemed to disagree and grabbed Calvin and asked him to lock the gate behind him. Calvin locked the gate behind Lewis and then got into his van. I clicked Calvin out of the gate and went back inside.

When I sat down, Matt looked at me and said, "So, Lewis came running in through the backdoor..."

*blink*

Apparently, Lewis had robbed a store nearby, and then ran into our neighborhood and was jumping fences to get away from the police. Calvin left the backdoor open while working on the house, so Lewis just ran right in. When he saw Matt sitting on the couch eating spaghetti, he said, "Do you want to make $50?" Matt said, "What...?" Lewis said, "Just listen to me! Just listen to me for like 5 minutes...!!" Matt said, "...okay." That's when I came in and went upstairs. Lewis said, "What's with the girl, is she cool?" Matt said, "Yeah, she's cool...". Lewis told Matt that he had robbed a store and the cops were after him. There were police all over our neighborhood and the spotlight had just gone over our house. He had a bag of money he had thrown into a yard nearby, but the yard had a dog in it, so he couldn't get to it...but if Matt would let him hang out for like 20 minutes, he would bring him $50 when he could get to his money. Matt said Lewis didn't pull a gun, and seemed desperate but not threatening, so he told him it was okay... and offered him some spaghetti.

It took me a minute to register what I had just heard and then I was like, "Whaaaat-the-hell-are-you-serious!?! !!! We-were-harboring-a-criminal-and-need-to-lock-all-of-the-doors-RIIIIGHT-NOWWW !!!!"

!!!!!!

We locked the doors.

Matt went upstairs to take a shower and Aaron went up to his room... I was sitting in the living room trying to soak it all in when someone started beating on the side of the house.

Most of the houses in our neighborhood had giant fences around them, with the exception of the house next door. Since there's no space between houses in the ghetto, you could reach the side of our house from our neighbor's driveway.

I went to the door to see who it was, and Lewis came around to the front of the gate. "Come to the gate," he said, "but don't open it.".

I went to the gate and Lewis hoisted up a case of Coronas. "Let's just say this is for generosity." he said. I took the Coronas and Lewis disappeared.

...

I was still freaking out about an hour later, when Matt said, "Let's think about this from Lewis's perspective..."

Dude robs a store and runs into the ghetto looking for a place to hide. He happens to run into the only non-black house in the neighborhood (three white guys, a Brazilian named Andy, and a little Asian girl). Matt offers him spaghetti, I give him a key chain, and Aaron offers him a beer, while a crazy Chinese man yells, "ANDY!!" every couple minutes, and by the time he leaves we are all best friends...

A little while later, the locked backdoor opened.

"Jon, is that you?".

Jon said, "Yeah...it's ME!"

:D ...white guy number three.

2011-07-09T02:28:00.001-07:00

I've decided to go to Europe. Finally. For 10 days. By myself. (...well, so far anyway. Wanna come?)

I decided this on Tuesday, and bought my tickets today. I'll be flying into France, out of Edinburgh, and I will stop through New York for a of couple days on my way home. I really really want to go to Italy, but I don't think it will make sense for this trip... but, I'll likely head through England on my way to Scotland.

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing... but, I feel like this is something that I have to do right now. Wish me luck!

The 4th

2011-07-05T16:19:00.001-07:00

On a holiday weekend with little to no plans, I found myself:

Laughing and crying at brunch with an old friend...reconnecting in the most wonderful ways.

At the jazz festival with a bunch of new friends, filling me with laughter and music.

Enjoying the company of one of my favorite couples. Meeting their friends and having an amazing all-day adventure with stops at the grove, the beach, and a cozy apartment in the city.

Walking my flower-filled neighborhood, skipping BBQs for a completely indulgent nap, and at dinner with another one of my favorite people.

Perfect... :)

Stacey

2011-06-28T23:54:00.001-07:00

:)

Stacey, I love.

My cat swallowed a sewing needle!

2011-06-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

On Thursday night at 10:30pm The Luscious Frankie J swallowed a sewing needle....

A torn up pair of jeans...
Holes around belt loops and pocket corners.
I finished patching, and left the needle on the coffee table - still threaded.

Frankie J loves thread, string, hair - anything long and thin and apparently...edible. I went to the computer and thought, "I need to put that thread away before Frankie eats it." ...turned around and it was gone. Needle and all.

About two and a half hours later, after a visit to Berkeley Dog and Cat, I walked through my door, exhausted, with Frankie in tow. I had a disk with an x-ray showing the needle in her stomach, and a head full of all of the possibilities of what could happen next. The vet thought maybe I should leave her at the hospital on an IV overnight... that we should x-ray again tomorrow to see where it was, and then decide if we should do an endoscopy to get it out (if it was still in her stomach) or cut her open. He said the needle could poke things, pass through things, or get stuck and cause problems - maybe death. He said it would be very expensive (thousands of dollars), so it would be better to wait until morning when (it would still be thousands of dollars, but) we would no longer be under emergency rates... but at that point the needle might no longer be in the stomach so our options would change. Mixed into all of this, he said he had just seen a kitten who swallowed a needle and, a few days later, pooed that sucker right out with no problem... He didn't think the kitten would be able to pass it because the kitten was so small, but it did.

His advice was dizzying and felt endless, money based, and non-conclusive. When I asked him what I should do, he ran through the possibilities again... and, when I asked what he would do, I was bombarded with all of the things I could do or that could happen AGAIN.

Finally, I asked what would happen if I took Frankie home to see if she would pass it - would it cause a lot of damage if I brought her back a couple days later if it hadn't come out? He said, he couldn't be sure - but he didn't think it'd cause too much damage....

I went home and found this on the internet: http://www.petlovers.com/vb//showthread.php?t=29981

I fed Frankie extra food, cried a little out of frustration, exhaustion, and uncertainty, and went to bed. I was kind of a mess...but Frankie seemed fine.

When I woke up the next day, Frankie still seemed fine. I fed her again and went to work. I checked on her at lunch... she was fine. After work, fine. I fed her extra again.

On Friday, I went to work and didn't make it home at lunch.

When I got home that night, Frankie seemed strange... she didn't greet me at the door, and seemed really sluggish. I tried to play with her with a shoestring, but she just laid there letting it hit her in the face. It'd almost been two days and the needle hadn't shown up in her poo.

I didn't want to go back to Dog and Cat, so I called The Broadway Pet Hospital to see if I could talk to someone. They were closed, so I left a message on their after hours hotline.

After checking some veterinary clinic reviews, I decided to call the Pets Referral Center as well. The woman I spoke with there listened to the situation and said that I had done the right thing by feeding Frankie extra, and that maybe Frankie was sluggish because I fed her too much... but if she was acting strange or in pain, maybe I should bring her in. Frankie didn't seem like she was in pain, and had definitely acted similar in the past when she'd gotten into extra food so... I decided to wait another day.

Later, I got a call back from the Broadway Pet Hospital. The doctor left a message saying that Frankie could pass the needle, that she might be acting weird because she was about to pass it, and that I could probably wait...unless she was vomiting or acting really depressed.

On Saturday, Frankie was back to her normal self. A little fatter, but energetic, and fine. I finally found the needle and thread early Sunday morning. *whew*

Focus

2011-06-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30am.

I'm feeling ... a little broken, yet strangely full of love. Funny how a little bit of focus changes everything.

This weekend was exactly what I expected, while being nothing like I thought it'd be. :)

(Forgive me for being cryptic, this is for me...)

Moments

2011-06-07T01:25:00.001-07:00

In the last week, I saw the Care of Trees, Kronos Quartet and Wu Man, attended a close friend's baby shower, and joined a soccer team. :)

Care of Trees was beautiful...!!

I wanted to take my friend Liz to see a show to celebrate her birthday. I skimmed the description of this play and was pretty sure it was going to be a comedy about relationships. ...geez, was I wrong. I guess that's what I get for skimming descriptions and avoiding reviews... It was an emotionally charged performance about the grieving process and letting go - and it was absolutely beautiful. Only two shows have instantly brought me to my feet, and this was one of them.

A couple days later I got to see the Kronos Quartet and Wu Man perform...! A visual and musical journey through the history and evolution of China by some of the most talented musicians I think I've ever seen. Incredible!

The baby shower was for my lovely friend Maureen. A celebration of an exciting time and an opportunity to send her and her husband off with blessings and support into this new and exciting phase of their life. :)

...and then, the soccer team. I was soo tired, and we lost like 8 to 2...but it was completely energizing to just run around with a bunch of new friends.

:)

This picture is from the hallway of a director/friend I know who invited me over to study Shakespeare.

Moments. :)

Iron and Wine

2011-06-04T00:30:00.001-07:00

"...please remember me, happily... by the rosebush laughing with bruises on my chin, the time when... we counted every black car passing... your house beneath the hill, and up until... someone caught us in the kitchen with maps, and mountain range, a piggy bank... a vision too removed to mention...."

I wanted to hear Trapeze Swinger sooooo bad.... but what a beautiful show.

(Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at the Warfield w/ Jen)

Colorado

2011-06-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

How is it that everything in Colorado is so freaking clean?! ...or, is it just the track housing suburban wonderland where my parents now live.... ?

...no - it's everything...

I drug my family to an annual Memorial Day street fair while I was home. Territory Days in Old Colorado City. It contained everything I wanted to see in Colorado Springs... arts, crafts, bbq, cowboys, tattooed diversity, fantastic rock and roll cover bands, an actual little trackless train driving little kids around, and free panning for gold.

*love*

A day off

2011-05-28T02:14:00.000-07:00

At this point in my... "career", I accrue four weeks of vacation a year...which is awesome if you can take a vacation. :) If you can't, the days pile up until you have to start taking days in order to keep accruing. This results in a lot of daydreams of hopeful vacations, and random days off.

My daydream vacations include:

Europe. I want to visit my friend Stephanie in France, but I also want to just travel around Europe and soak up as much as possible...

Hawaii. My best friend, Stacey, lives in Hawaii and I really want to spend some time with her -- and, I just love Hawaii.

Colorado. I need to go home to see my wonderful family. (I'm headed there tomorrow, actually, but I can't seem to get myself to pack.)

New York. I love New York. Love it. Seriously consider moving there about every 3 months...and then I find myself unable to imagine leaving the Bay Area... it's a constant battle.

Asia. I feel like I need to go to Korea at some point... you know, just to put myself through "returning to my homeland" and experience whatever comes up for me as a result. I also think about visiting Taiwan before Josh leaves... but I'm not sure if I can make that happen.

Rapture

2011-05-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

Nothing like intimidating waves and an earthquake to make you reconsider the prediction of the Rapture.

Today, I was on the beach with Sky and her friends celebrating her birthday. The wind was crazy and the waves were violent against the shore. A ranger told us he hadn't seen waves that big since the tsunami!

I fought all morning (broadsword), so after the beach I was beat... I had planned to hang out at the campsite where the group was staying, but decided to head home to relax and recover instead. I passed out on the couch when I got home, only to be woken up a few minutes later by my shaking apartment and, in my dozing delirium, thoughts that this was really it. !

I read somewhere that the group who predicted the Rapture was prepared to offer post rapture counseling... I guess they didn't all expect to make the cut. ;)

I wonder if they were also prepared to offer we-are-idiots-because-we-are-all-still-here counseling.

Clown bootcamp 'n stuff

2011-05-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite clowns.... :)

This month I've been doing clown bootcamp AND level 2 broadsword. Yeowsers! ...I'm getting buff. :)

Raised vs Revenge

2011-05-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

In the last week, I attended Born and Raised and The Lily's Revenge - two productions by local Bay Area artists exploring the themes of love, marriage, and gay rights.

Born and Raised was a powerful and important production - while still managing to be magically entertaining. I thought it got to the core of what people don't seem to understand about gay couples, and exposed some of the cruel realities of what discrimination and misunderstanding can do. The performances were heartfelt and lovely, the costumes simple - and the writing and direction delivered through hard moments with charming segues keeping the audience and performers connected from beginning to end. I left the theatre feeling deeply moved by this intelligent and entertaining show.

The Lily's Revenge was an interactive and invigorating experience. Its message felt a bit scattered to me, and the story didn't seem to fully deliver what I felt it promised in the beginning... but, the performers were commanding and captivating throughout the show - and the intermissions! I loved the first and second acts, and the flowers fighting back in the 5th act - and the costumes and make up in this show were absolutely gorgeous. After the wild ride, the show ended with a question... which felt strangely in place of the fairytale-with-a-twist-surprising-yet-powerful-ending I was hoping for but, regardless, Revenge broke the boundaries of how we experience theatre and provided a night that will be remembered.

Little gifts

2011-05-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

Despite my nasty cold - this week was full of little gifts.

David gave me some of the best cold medicine ever.
Michelle told me my feelings of frustration about a situation at work
were justified, but to let them go... because they weren't worth
hanging on to.
I got to take a day off to rest and take care of my cold.
TBA gave me tickets to see Hugh Jackman, and Michael was able to go with me.
Pam stopped by my desk to tell me a story about her giving old oil
paints to a homeless man.
Mel gave me a little pink ninja she found because I was the first
person she thought of when she saw it.
Angela signed up and started taking improv classes after a
conversation we had about being in the moment.
Lili sent me cute cat pictures when I happened to be in the middle of
a travel crisis at work.
Devin completely indulged me in a moment of paranoid insecurity.
Sean helped me prepare a lunch for Susana and team with the most
generous spirit.
Kasmira told me stories about her charming clumsy moments.
I had a happy hour evening with a bunch of new friends.
Rob fixed the computer connection to my phone, and then told me he had
no idea how he did it, which was just so honest that it made me smile.
Liz told me that she was going to sneeze, and then I sneezed, and then
she sneezed - and then we giggled uncontrollably disrupting everyone
around us.
Gabriella sent me email hugs all week.
I got to attend Amber's CD release party.
Isabel invited me to watch a movie with her and her friend, and it was
the most fun I think I've ever had watching a depressing movie.
Dave let me lead Broadsword class in a completely ridiculous salute.

My heart is smiling.

Hugh Jackman

2011-05-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

I managed to score tickets to opening night of Hugh Jackman's show at the Curran Theatre tonight. DELIGHTFUL!!! My friend Michael joined me and it was so much fun!!

I'm not sure if my favorite part was watching Hugh change his pants on stage after he split them doing weird karate kicks in one of his opening songs, his dialog with the 7 year old girl in the front row, watching him shake his ass with the older gentleman who said he was a Broadway fan, or the revival of his first audition piece... his singing, dancing, stories, full orchestra (!), silly mishaps... the whole show was amazing!!! Richard Marx joined him on stage at the end of the night and they sang a duet to Right Here Waiting... *sigh*

As we drove across the Bay, Michael and I agreed that part of Hugh's allure is his ability to be campy... but, after giving it more thought, I think it's more of a true authenticity that brings out his charm. He sang the Lion King song with just as much heart and enthusiasm as when he sang As Time Goes By, and then he danced around the stage in a beaded shirt tied at the waist!

Wow, what a handsome and enchanting man...

May day

2011-05-01T21:37:00.001-07:00

The table to my left is talking about Trump running for president - the one to my right about Osama's death.

I'm sitting with my favorite pasta dish after a beautiful weekend - looking across the estuary thinking of nuclear war, the celebration of death, the joke of politics...

Linguine con funghi - exactly what I wanted. The bread with oil and vinegar, shredded garlic and parmesan, truly couldn't be more tasty. The view here is one of my favorites...

"Ya know, Circus o'ley is Canadian. (!)" A woman from the left says. The conversation continues accompanied by the hallow sound of a trumpet trickling through the PA.

I feel like I could cry...

The garage

2011-04-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

I put this giant picture in the garage by the recycling... I had intended to put it up in my apartment, but it turned out to be a little too pink. Imagine it taking over an entire room in a very obnoxious 'no escaping' kind of way. So, I got rid of it. ...and hours later found it placed against the back wall of my building's dreary parking garage looking quite amazingly charming. :)

~~~
(a garage vignette.)

I was getting out of my car and was met by a neighbor getting out of his car.

"Well, good evening..." he said.

"Hi" I replied.

He asked how I was doing, and then started telling me that he was thinking that he should charge my parents for his mirror because he wouldn't have hit the pillar if he hadn't been looking at me.

o_O ... I must've been giving him a blank stare, so he elaborated.

"Remember that day, you were pulling out and I was pulling in [to the garage] and I hit that pillar shattering my side mirror? I was thinking I should charge your parents for my mirror because I wouldn't have hit the pillar if I hadn't been staring at you." He followed this with a little chuckle.

I didn't know how to respond so, again, I probably looked kind of blank.

I think he actually gave me another iteration as I was searching my memory for this incident. It did seem familiar... but then, I immediately got caught up in the fact that my parents aren't biological, so they have nothing to do with how I look and shouldn't be charged for this... and then, I thought, maybe it had something to do with what I was wearing at the time (yes, my mind does this)...which started me imaging all of my outfits, and which one might've been capable of making someone run into a pillar... it must've been a red dress, which made me feel like I did remember this happening and the thought that passed through my mind at the time was, "Dude - that SUCKS... " ha!

I told him I did think I remembered it.

There was an awkward silence.

How the hell are you supposed to respond to passive aggressive flirting... ?!

Me... and then Dave Chappelle. Yup.

2011-04-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

I went to an art opening at Project One - this spot located in the "Design District" of San Francisco. Great art. Cool space. And Dave Chappelle was there - RIGHT NEXT TO ME - TWICE!!! I thought it was only once until I saw this picture. Who knows, maybe he was following me around all night!!! ... I mean, I know he wasn't following me around - at all - but I easily (obviously) could've brushed by him a couple of times without even knowing it.

When I actually did see him, he was standing outside getting a picture taken. I wanted to talk to him or take his picture or shake his hand or...something(!), but he walked away before I could make up my mind and approach him. Now all I have is this candid shot that happened to capture both of us in the same place at the same time. (I'm in the red in the lower left corner. He's straight across on the right.)

...Hm, in a way, I guess I did get a picture...

Shake gently

2011-04-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

I do my best to get out and ... well, live. Experience, see, absorb...but, I think sometimes I over do it. Well, I know sometimes I over do it.

This week, I tried to not overbook myself - but then had a couple impromptu dinners, had to work on closing out the show, saw Beardo, went to comedy, and went to an art show where I ran into Dave Chappelle. (I know, right?!)

I do my best to keep things fresh, but I think the key word here is "gently"... cause I'm exhausted.

Eight

2011-04-17T02:49:00.001-07:00

We challenged 8 performers to fill 8 minutes...

Co-produced with my friend Joan, this show was no easy feat... but the end result was pretty freaking amazing.

I was asked if I found any of the acts surprising, and I actually found a bit of surprise in each one of them.

Here are two words highlighting what made each piece exceptional.

Nikolas - powerful, humorous.
Gabriella - complete style.
Sky - visceral imagery.
Texas - comedic brilliance.
Andrea - creative message.
Audrey - sentimental beauty.
Rebecca - polished, amazing.
Skorpio - skilled, charming.

Rob did a perfect job running tech, Natty was a great stage manager, Dave rocked the bar, we had chairs ;), and our audience was lovely.

A reunion of sorts

2011-04-13T01:13:00.001-07:00

Andy's birthday party. :)

...

The Mass and Lower Forty Eight.

I still have the playlist from the first Mass show ever played in San Francisco... It was the one thing I couldn't part with the year I gave Matt a collection of reviews and other Mass related things I had collected. The Attic with Good for Cows - March of 2001. It was a Sunday. The guys had a jar full of ear plugs for the audience that night and were tame in the photos I took of them.

The Mass first played with LFE for an LFE CD release show in an upstairs...gallery? Phil had seen The Mass play and invited them to open. Andy and Ian were in suits that night, and Andy's guitar playing was aMAZing! After the show, I told Matt that I really liked the Forty Eight Feet people. Matt had a knack for translating my butchering of band names. "You mean Lower Forty Eight?"

My favorite Mass shows were: the night they played 12 Galaxies after their tour, the BoTH CD release show, the Halloween show at Matthew's warehouse, Toxic Beach, and the Golden Bull show after their last tour.

I miss The Mass and Lower Forty Eight - late nights, smack talk, cigarettes, venues covered in stickers and sweat...

Up until their first tour, I could count the Mass shows that I had missed on one hand.

The biz

2011-04-10T03:09:00.001-07:00

There's something about being backstage that I love... wait, change that to being anywhere near a stage.... :)

I just love being in the theater.

Last week I shadowed my favorite lighting designer friend for the Destiny Arts show, this week I'm volunteering with the stage manager and the prop master at a Z Space show, and next weekend I'll be putting up a show I am co-producing in an underground warehouse space. I'm working on what I want my focus to be in this industry, and doing anything anyone will let me until I figure it out. :)

In the meantime, I'm meeting talented people, learning a ton, and seeing some incredible shows! These last two shows have been remarkably powerful. The Destiny show gives inner city kids a voice and a place to express themselves and impact their communities for positive change, and Sins Invalid is an amazing look at people with disabilities and their unsurpassing beauty.

I have a name

2011-04-05T00:26:00.001-07:00

I saw this on an empty newspaper dispencer on a walk in Oakland. My friend, Kelvin, said it reads, "I have a name..."

Bloodline

2011-04-02T16:57:00.001-07:00

The whole nature versus nurture thing has been creeping up on me lately - how maybe my history is right in front of me all of the time...I just have to look in the mirror and pay attention.

I don't want to find my biological parents (which is the answer to the question you're about to ask). I have a great family and, as I said to a friend the other night - I don't think I want to know the tragic story, or the glamorous life I'm maybe missing out on, or the parents who just didn't want me. ...but I do think about what about them I carry around with me everyday...

I watched The Kids Are All Right - a film about a lesbian couple who both have a child from the same sperm donor. In the film, when one of the kids turns 18 they decide to connect with their biological father. The "bank" makes the connection...and on the story goes... Eventually, the moms meet the donor as well. I don't want to give it away - but, there is a moment in the film where one of the moms says to the donor, "I just keep seeing my kid's expressions in your face."

... could that be real ... ?

Julia Morgan

2011-04-01T00:29:00.001-07:00

Tonight I got comps to see Narnia. What a wonderfully charming little show! Loved the costumes, the set, the staging, the lighting - the characters were great and the fights were AWESOME... :)

....

I took my first Bay Area acting class in one of the Julia Morgan Center studios -- a room with a soft wood floor and windows full of natural light looking out into the redwoods....

...but, my first experience at Julia Morgan was working on Blue Roses, an experimental piece I stage managed when I first landed here. We found ourselves on the Julia Morgan stage one night - rehearsing... it was the first night "he" really directed - after our incredibly dramatic off-stage yelling match the night before.

I love re-discovering a beautiful place.

Cyclone

2011-03-27T02:16:00.001-07:00

I ended up at an underground warehouse show tonight where I got to see Joan Jeanrenaud play.... AMAZING!!!!

Perfect sound, a raised stage, cafe tables with tablecloths and flowers, a bar and a sound booth, stairs leading to platforms and to rafters, paper umbrellas, a latter hanging from the ceiling hanging lights, heat lamps, old signs, projections on the wall, great musicians and great people.

The Bay Area never ceases to surprise me.

Age 6

2011-03-23T02:25:00.000-07:00

A curly haired little boy with glasses and a toy train - corduroy pants, a polo shirt, and a knit sweater.

Another little boy with a buzz cut and a baseball cap - starter jacket, warm up pants, and a bouncy ball.

A rainy Sunday afternoon in a laundromat...

"Hi! Nathaniel! Hi - do you remember me?"

"Ummm... "

"Do you remember me? I was in the class with you..."

"Ummm...hmm, I don't know...? Which class?"

The boy in the baseball cap's dad interrupted and politely said to the boy with the curly hair, "I remember you." Turned to his son and said, "Nathaniel, he was in the class with Miss..."

The conversation trailed off as my dryer stopped. My clothes were still wet, so I dropped a few more quarters into the machine. Another 15 minutes to wait. I tuned back in as the boy with the curly hair was quietly returning to sit with his dad...

A few moments later, the boy with the baseball cap approached the boy with the curly hair.

"Oohhhh, I remember you." He said grinning with recognition, as the bouncy ball slipped from his hand and the boys began to play.

The boy in the baseball cap's dad approached, and the dads began to chat. They seemed to have a nice conversation, but soon their laundry was finished and it was time for the baseball capped boy and his dad to head home.

The boy with the baseball cap looked at the boy with the curly hair and threw himself at him with a giant embrace saying, "Byeeee!" The curly haired boy didn't seem to know what to do. As the boy in the baseball cap and his dad walked out the door, the curly haired boy turned to his dad looking confused and kind of giddy. The curly haired boy's dad sort of shrugged/smiled, looked up ... and caught me smiling too.

Cubby

2011-03-21T00:27:00.001-07:00

"Being an artist doesn't take much, just everything you got. Which means, of course, that as the process is giving you life, it is also bringing you closer to death. But it's no big deal. They are one and the same and cannot be avoided or denied. So, when I totally embrace this process, this life/death, and abandon myself to it, I transcend all this gibberish and hang out with the gods. It seems to me that that is worth the price of admission." - Hubert Selby Jr.

The summer I learned to play chess

2011-03-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

I would wake up at 3pm, take a shower, work until sometime after 10, head to the club, dance until 2am, go to the Mexican guys' house, watch them play chess until sunrise... and then I would go home to my hole-of-an-apartment and sleep... until 3pm.

I met the Mexican guys when I was a waitress at the Greeley Country Club. Miguel, Dino, Mike...? I can't remember all of their names... but one of them accidentally shot Carlos in the leg one night... Carlos was on crutches for months...

There was a busboy at the country club who would sing me songs... "I just wanna fly..." Chad Timkovich? I'll never forget him, his songs, or his blue eyes following me across the dining room...

If I wasn't playing chess, working, sleeping, dancing, or dreaming - I was writing... in my journal or on my walls... in the wee hours of the morning...listening to the silence that only resonates just before dawn...

...

GAMH and things

2011-03-10T22:32:00.001-08:00

After the Valentine's Day show, and the complete absolute madness around my birthday show before that, and DECEMBER before that... wait, now I've lost my train of thought...

...

Oh right - basically, after about 2 and a half months of complete insanity, I have no set travel or show plans in the immediate future and have actually been able to relax.

This is what I've been doing with my time:

Christopher Titus's The Neverlution at Marine's Memorial Theatre
Tron, the movie
Hip hop class
Audition (I didn't get the part)
Prince at Oracle
SFMOMA
DAI Fight workshop
Oscar night
What We're Up Against at the Magic Theatre
YBCA: YOU kick-off
The Glass Menagerie at Town Hall Theatre
Jessica's birthday / Total B.S.
Jesus Christ Superstar sing through at Ashby Stage
Devotchka at The Great American Music Hall

...and some lovely dinners with Matt, Jess, and Wilder, Sky and Dan, Maureen, Sara, Jen, Michael, Josh, Joan, Shannon, Anna... a nice afternoon visit with Sarah, David, and Zoey, lunch with Gabriella, and one awesome night of foosball w/ Andre and Jen.

*sigh*

The jasmine is blooming outside of my apartment and things are good. :)

2011-03-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

In a bar in Colorado Springs, Matt looks at me and says something like, "I'm still going to San Francisco, you commin'"?

A little over 10 years later, Matt's still playing music and I'm still taking pictures. :)

I miss Colorado so much sometimes. The weather. The space between houses. The dreams that seem to just float around in the thin air...

Random wall of awesome

2011-03-03T11:22:00.001-08:00

...or, fence, rather.

Laundromat infatuation

2011-03-02T00:15:00.001-08:00

I was sitting on a folding table reading a sign that said, "Do not sit or eat on the folding tables!!" - when he walked in...

He was of medium height with light brown messy hair, a green t-shirt, and jeans just saggy enough to show off his skull and crossbone boxers...

I was sitting a little too close, given the laundromat was empty and I was sitting on the folding table right next to his dryers - which happened to be right next to mine.

He brushed past me, barely acknowledging my presence while I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

He ignored me...and I began to notice that some of his clothes seemed a little too flowery... "He must have a girlfriend", I thought - and his lack of acknowledgment made it seem like either I was, in fact, invisible... or maybe he was just that good of a boyfriend...making him all the more attractive...

After packing up about three loads of laundry, his girlfriend arrived to find me sitting a little too close. She gave me the once over for sitting next to (what she didn't realize was) my laundry. I wanted to tell her that she had nothing to worry about.

...and, that I couldn't believe there were cute men out there who were willing to do their girlfriend's laundry... !!

:)

Prince !!!

2011-02-24T11:55:00.001-08:00

Wow, what an amazing concert!!!!

I remember discovering Prince in the 4th grade at a sleep over. We danced all night to Let's Go Crazy in our pajamas...

Prince is an incredible performer, musician - and a really sexy man! Last night he had Shelia E on stage and did three encores before we left the stadium. AMAZING!! The only song he didn't play that I really wanted to hear was 7... "all 7 and we'll watch them fall..."

<3

Crisis?

2011-02-21T01:03:00.000-08:00

There are moments in life that have a way of shaping everything.

Identity, existential... midlife?

"First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*... that someday you're gonna die."

Backstage

2011-02-19T03:13:00.000-08:00

Take 2.

Three nights of one acts about love for Valentine's Day. Rey decided to cast teenagers in some of the roles, so no strip tease or girls running around in their underwear this year.

Fed and I did Boozy again, and me and this other guy did a new piece Rey wrote one morning three weeks before we opened. It required a New York/Jersey accent from me...which, according to Michael, I managed to pull off.

I thought last year's show was stronger overall, but this year's show was... cuter?

"The way to my heart is through the stage."

2011-02-07T22:58:00.001-08:00

Theater is my weak spot. It doesn't matter who you are or what you're going to see, I generally won't discriminate based on genre, venue, or company (in all senses of the word). Because of this, I have seen some amazing productions I never would've found on my own.

On my worst "date" ever, I saw a really fantastic show. The same guy texted me today to invite me out to another show. We had the worst date ever, so of course I had to turn him down... but, it was really hard for me to not write him back to ask what show...

Pocket full of pennies

2011-02-06T01:51:00.000-08:00

(Slightly edited from an old LiveJournal entry / 2.17.07)

I wanted to get the best cake he'd ever have...

I drove to the Ferry Building and decided to park on the street instead of paying to park in a lot. Street parking wasn't far, and it was a gorgeous day, so it seemed like a good idea until I realized that I might not have enough change for the parking meter. I parked and dug through my wallet to find a few dimes and a bunch of pennies. The dimes wouldn't buy me enough time so I looked around to see if there was a place nearby where I could change the pennies.

There was a lady parked in the car behind mine talking on her cell phone. I waited for her to finish her conversation, and then knocked on her window. I had been standing there for a good 30 seconds but apparently she hadn't noticed me so, when I knocked, I scared her half to death. She rolled down her window to tell me that.

I had 21 pennies and wanted to see if I could trade them for dimes, so I held them out and asked if she could help. She was sure she could and started looking through her wallet. I noticed she had a bunch of quarters and realized later that I should've asked her to trade a dollar for her quarters - but I wasn't thinking at the time and I really wanted to get rid of my pennies. She handed me two dimes and, as I went to hand her the pennies, she smiled and told me to keep them. I thanked her, paid the meter, and started walking toward the Ferry Building.

It was a beautiful day, so I brought my walk to a stroll and tried to take in some of the atmosphere. People were jogging and sitting by the Bay eating lunch. The sun was shining bright. I was on the look out for a homeless person so I could give away my pennies, but there wasn't one to be found.

When I got to the Ferry Building, I went straight to the cake shop. It was busy - living up to its reputation of being the-best-cake-he'd-ever-have. The girls who worked there had tiny voices and seemed very delicate, but were strangely vicious behind the counter. "Who's next?! Do you know what you want?? Alright, then who was here next?!" I was in a swarm of sweet hungry men and women. I wanted to ask questions, but apparently there was no time. The cakes were on display and looked amazing, but they were all made for 6 - 8 people and I only wanted to feed two. There were beautiful cupcakes that I knew were just as amazing so, when it came my turn, I decided to go with the cupcakes instead. I made my choice quickly and headed to the cash register. The girl who was helping me never looked me in the eye. She seemed to look at where my head might be if I was 5 inches taller, all the while maintaining her delicate, vicious smile. It was bizarre - but I took my perfect cupcakes in their perfect little pink box and headed back into the sunshine with just enough time to stroll back to my car before the meter would run out.

Back outside, I saw a guy sit down on one of the concrete benches by the Bay. He was wearing blue jeans, a hat, a backpack, and just one too many layers for such a nice day. He looked like he might be a student if he was a little younger and cleaner. I had barely noticed him when he noticed me and called out. "Hey, pretty lady! Hey!"... I kept walking. He said, "Hey! You! ...yeah, YOU. Wait just a minute, I want to talk to you." I said I was heading back to work, but he insisted. He said he saw me walking to the building earlier, and now he saw me walking back and I'm such a pretty lady and he wanted to just say hi. I thought of my pennies and said, "Oh! Do you want some change?" He said, "What? No, I don't want your change! I just wanted to say hello and tell you my name." Then, as he told me his name and asked if I had a boyfriend, I started to feel really embarrassed for asking him if he wanted my change. I told him I had a boyfriend, and he said, "Well, if you see me around, you just say 'Hi Cherry' (his name). That's all I want." I said, "Hi Cherry." We stood awkward in the sun for a minute, and then I walked back to my car with the best [cup]cakes he'd ever have, and my pocket still full of pennies.

"...a long story, filled with sighs..."

2011-01-31T00:10:00.000-08:00

I'm in the bathroom of the restaurant looking at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands and, at this moment I decide...that I will never go on a date again. EVER. ...unless it is established before hand that it is NOT a date, or I already know that I like the guy.

Love, or Not Love w/ Mustaches!

2011-01-26T01:34:00.000-08:00

My birthday, their benefit.

I got confirmation on the space the evening of January 9th and had a little less than two weeks to pull everything together. I had a solid line up by the 14th, most of the logistics nailed down by the 17th, thought I was going to have a heart attack on 21st, and then managed to pull off an amazing show with my incredibly talented friends on the night of the 22nd.

We had an audience of about 50/60 people, and raised around $500 for the space.

In honor of my performers, here's a (slightly edited) version of my emcee notes from the night:

Cristian and Kristen - stage combat
The groin fight.
Cristian flew out from South Carolina to let me kick him in the groin!! Cristian is an actor and an accomplished stage combatant.

Gabriella - song
Dream a Little Dream w/ a kazoo interlude.
"Gabriella was raised in the wilds of California's wine country on a small farm surrounded by vineyards at the end of a long dirt road. Growing up, she spent her days barefoot in the yard singing songs to the goats and the chickens, and in the evenings she would while away the hours practicing the Jews harp and listening to The Shadow and Inner Sanctum on the radio. Her head is full of random song lyrics and the names of old movie actors, and she frequently can't find her keys."
Gabriella is one of my favorite people. She constantly surprises me with all of the wonderful things she can do -- she can skateboard, she's been a drummer in a band, she's a great dancer, and she sews a lot of her own clothes. She seems to know a little bit about everything, and is one of the most stylish people I know.

Stephen - stand up comedy
Stand up comedy act.
"Stephen started off doing stand up comedy only 6 months ago and in South Korea (telling it to foreigners, not Koreans)"
I met Stephen in a pool hall in Berkeley one night, and he mentioned to me that he was about to move to Korea to teach English... and then, he randomly kept saying "platypus" to me the rest of the night... ? ...which was strange and hilarious! When I heard that he was back from Korea and doing stand-up comedy I had to go see him -- and he was fantastic.

Rebecca - modern dance
"Sunken Crux" w/ music by Thom Yorke.
Rebecca was the first friend I made in California. I met her at Sony, where I worked as a temp for three weeks. One day we went to get burritos for lunch and ended up having this deep personal conversation. After I left Sony, we kept in touch and Rebecca started inviting me to her dance shows. She blew me away with her talent and, because of her, I soon fell in love with modern dance.

Cristian - monologue
"My Personal Journey to Find My Mostacho".
"In middle school, Cristian was enrolled in girls PE for the sixth and seventh grades. The ladies that made the schedule thought his name was Cristina because he spells his name without the 'h'. In his eighth grade year, he decided to put on a wig for his yearbook photo and listed himself in the yearbook as 'Cristina'."
I was at a week long stage combat workshop in LA, and Cristian and I were paired up in the groin shot workshop. Cristian grew up in Texas, moved to LA to be an actor, and now works as the technical theater director at a small college in South Carolina. He wrote this monologue for the show!!

Intermission

Joan and Kristen - stage combat
Ninja butter knife fight.
"When Joan thinks of mustaches she inevitably thinks of Burt Reynolds circa early 80s, and the fact that she somehow managed to convince her parents at the ripe old age of 11 to take her to see her first rated R movie: The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, starring Burt, his mustache, Dolly Parton and her breasts. She's not sure which she wanted more - his mustache or her breasts."
I love Joan! Joan lives in the warehouse and is a big part of why the space is happening, and why the party is happening... she is trained in circus arts, stage combat, acting, is presently working on putting together a one man show, and can do a handstand forever... I want to personally thank Joan...for everything.

Sky - literary reading
Excerpts from her thesis.
"Sky is married to a Canadian named Dan. They met many years ago in Costa Rica and had a love affair by the beach. Three years later, he friended her on Facebook. They wrote to each other for many months before she booked a ticket to Vancouver to see him. The rest, as they say, is history."
Sky is a constant source of inspiration. She's the kind of person who displays so much passion and depth in her life and in her writing that you can't help but find yourself caught up in whatever she wants to share with you. She just finished her masters degree at SF State in creative writing.

Audrey - comedy act
Kitten puppet and song.
Audrey lives in the warehouse and is trained in circus arts. The first night I met Audrey, I thought, this girl is so cute and charming I can barely stand it! One night, I was going to a clown show to see another friend perform, and when I showed up Audrey was greeting the audience playing the ukulele and singing, and she did this wonderful piece that she's going to share.

Keenan and Matt - bass and sax
Improv music.
"Keenan has never seen Raging Bull, Titanic, or The Notebook. He's also not wearing underwear."
I met Matt in 1999, and he quickly became a great friend and one of my favorite musicians. It means so much to me that he's a part of the show. Matt and Keenan used to play music together in Colorado, which has a lot to do with why we're all here -- but that's a longer story than I can get into. Keenan is also an amazing musician and friend, and one of the tallest people I know.

Nikolas - trapeze
Trapeze burlesque piece.
Nikolas lives in the warehouse and is trained in circus arts. Nikolas and I bonded over crepes one night and since then I've been continually impressed with his views on the world, his creativity, and his generous nature. He can tell you great stories about couch surfing and kindergarden detectives.

Special thanks to: Joan, Audrey, Nikolas, Natty for the use of the space, Dave for bartending, Rob on sound, Ikenna on video camera, and for all of my friends who helped me with thinking and planning - Aria, Michael, Maureen, Isabel, Cristian.

Ooma

2011-01-23T02:50:00.001-08:00

Objects of my affection.

Jessica Gruner Waters.... I remember sitting at Cafe du Nord years ago talking with Jessica about her dreams of becoming a writer -- she was a high school teacher at the time. Today, Jessica has written 4 novels, three of which have been published, with the fourth one on its way.

Maybe a year or so after the writing conversation, Jessica asked me to model some clothes for her for her website. She had her hopes set on opening a boutique of her own someday. Today, she and my good friend Matt (her husband) own Ooma - a beautiful boutique in the heart of San Francisco's North Beach neighborhood.

In the past 6 years, I've witnessed Jessica realizing these dreams, and it's been so inspiring!! :)

I'm glad she's a part of my life.